Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
