The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
