My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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