he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
