i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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