There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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