Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
