Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
