Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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