Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
