just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
