I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
