"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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