If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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