If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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