oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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