my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
