Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
