oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to sanitize my soul.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
