He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
