Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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