I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
