If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
