addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
