When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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