you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
