Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
