After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
