My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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