Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
