You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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