Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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