I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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