my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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