You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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