She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i think im in europe. pls send help
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
