That reminds me...we need to get swords
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
