i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Text me some of your sweat
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
