highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize