wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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