Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
