ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
