i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
