I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
