I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
