You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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