The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
