a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
