My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
