I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
