also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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